I wanted to get this down somewhere, even if not in the most ideal location or time (she is nursing now, forcing me to type 1-handed) because my memory of the day is already fading. Sophie's birth, our first child, was at home attended by midwives, and was the most amazing and empowering experience I have ever had or likely will ever have again. I will not use this telling of her birth story to be a calling towards home birth. Those messages exist many other places. But this experience was hugely transformative for me and I wanted to somehow capture that aspect of it. While others may read it, it is written for me, so it will be a bit long and detailed as I try to not forget a thing.
December 7, 2010
At this point I am 35 years old, 40 weeks pregnant with out first child. DH and I and everyone else are convinced that the baby is a boy, but we didn't actually find out. We wanted to be surprised. Only Mairi, one of our two midwives, thinks that this is a girl.
I never met a woman who was comfortable at 40 weeks and I was no exception. In fact, I was downright miserable. I had BH contractions all along in my pregnancy, but they had been getting stronger from week 34. At one point, we even thought I was going into early labor then and at week 37, but fortunately that did not happen. But by week 40, I was drained and ready to be done.
Following the general standard of care common to midwifery, I did not consent to the use of any drugs to induce labor. But I am a believer in body work such as accupuncture, which can sometimes initiate labor in a body that is ready to go into labor. I went to see an accupuncturist recommended by the midwives. I told her that I was interested either in having my body progress towards labor or in just relief of the physical symptoms I was experiencing. At one point during my session, she asked me when I thought I was ready to have the baby. I told her that I thought I would have it on Thursday, the 9th. I left her office feeling better than I had in weeks, with an unholy need for falafel. I satisfied that craving and went home.
By 10:30 pm, I started having mild contractions. It felt like bad period cramps and was enough to wake me up for an hour. But I managed to fall back asleep, figuring I wasn't in labor.
December 8, 2010
I woke up at 4 am to use the bathroom. Looking down at my underwear, I noticed a bit of blood. Nothing major...not a mucous plug. By 5:30 am, my contractions were back. They were not yet bad, so I saw my husband off to work at 6:30. I did tell him though that he should maybe start getting stuff into a place that he could leave it for a few weeks. My contractions steadily increased in intensity, although not regularity, all morning. I was able to have conversations on the phone, but as the morning drew on my ability to ignore them diminished. By 10:45, I had passed my mucous plug and called my midwives to inform them of such. The plan was that I would call them when I really started needing their help to deal with it.
At about noon, my contractions were starting to require more of my attention. There was no denying that I was in labor of some sort, whether early or active. So I called my husband and told him that he needed to come home, which he did immediately. By the time he got home, I had rolled out my pilates mat on the floor in front of the gas fire place. I had an exercise ball out that I would lean over for hands and knees during the contractions. Things were really starting to move now.
As an aside...after he had arrived at home, my husband suggested that I try one contraction lying on my back, just so I could experience what the hospital sensation would be like. I think I lasted all of 3 seconds and that was in the early stages of active labor when the contractions aren't as strong! How people can give birth flat on their backs without moving around is still a mystery to me.
Of the two midwives in the practice, it was Mairi who was on call. However, I had problems all morning long trying to call her at home. What timing for her home phone to go down! At my house, we have a land line, but it is not plugged in. By about 3 pm, I was starting to think about calling her. I thought the phone problem was my cell phone, so I tried to connect the land line. When I realized the pain of the contractions was so great I didn't know how to plug in a phone, I knew we needed a midwife there. When I reached Mairi, I found out that she was already at another birth and would be sending Erin, the other midwife in the practice. Erin would be assisted by Susan, their backup and a fully-certified midwife herself.
My biggest fear at this point was that Erin would arrive and inform me that I was not very far along and leave for a while. She and Susan arrived around 5:30. At that point, the only thing I was able to do was get through my contractions leaning on the ball and stare into the fireplace during the breaks. When they arrived, I tried unsuccessfully to be social. Erin informed me that there was a third woman also in labor, and she wanted my permission to check how far along I was via a pelvic exam (not normal practice due to the increased possibility of infection). We had discussed that, should a pelvic be done, it might not be the best thing for the laboring mother to know the results. After all, if you are not far along and have been in hard labor for hours, do you really want to hear that? Dilation is not a linear thing. You cannot expect to increase the same number of centimeters an hour. So it can be a big head game. I asked Erin how far along I was and she asked if I really wanted to know. I told her that I only cared that I was more than 1 millimeter along. She laughed and told me that I was way further than that. That was all I needed to hear.
The next several hours were a blur to me. At some point, I decided I wanted to get into the tub, thinking that I might go for a water birth. However, my tub is not very wide and shifting around like I needed to do was too difficult. So I decided to get out of the tub. The rest of my labor was spent in my bedroom, bathroom, or the hallway walking around.
I would be lying if I said that the pain was not incredibly intense. I would also be lying if I did not question my ability to handle it. I found myself many times telling my husband and the midwives that I could not do it, to which they reminded me (which actually annoyed me in the long run) that I WAS doing it. In fact, I was starting to seriously contemplate asking to be taken to the hospital for drugs. The hospital was only 6 blocks away, but the reason I didn't ask was because I figured the transport would hurt 50 times more than just staying at home.
So we stayed and continued to labor. I was told after the fact that my labor was the dreaded "back labor." Erin and Susan were great at putting pressure on my lower back through each contraction. However, I have since read that it is not possible to put TOO much pressure on a woman's back at this time, a sentiment that I totally agree with! The downward pressure also started becoming very intense since my water had not yet broken.
At some point I was getting very tired of this roller coaster that had no apparent breaks or a pause button. I recall saying that I would feel much better if I could just have a 5 minute break. And then, I miraculously got one! It felt amazing! I was lying on my side in bed and might have dozed off for a second or two. Despite my later requests to a higher power for another one, this was all I got, but it was great.
After this break, the downward pressure resumed. I mistakenly interpretted this as a need to push...little did I realize! One of these fake urges came while still on my side in bed and it was what finally ruptured my bag of waters. That was a rather explosive feeling and such a relief to have that pressure gone! Fortunately, the water was clear.
Things really changed at this point. I claimed an urge to push that was more psychological than anything. I wanted to be done and I knew pushing was what was required. But no real urge came yet. Erin could tell that these "pushes" of mine were resulting in nothing and encouraged me to sit on the toilet and walk around. After some time of doing that, I didn't get urges so much as primal hard switches that got flipped to PUSH mode. There was absolutely no mistaking what those were! Once that started, I moved to the edge of the bed and started squatting. Erin brought a mirror over and said she could see definite movement. At one point, she asked me if I wanted to feel the head, but I was too focused on pushing to be interested. I could feel the head come out a bit, but at the end of the contraction, it would slingshot right back in. I found that very frustrating. Erin then said it was time to move to the bed.
I got into bed on my left side with my husband supporting my head. We spent about 3 contractions like this. One of them, the last, seemed a bit longer than most and gave me more time to push. I was determined that this would be it and just kept pushing. Erin and Susan were up on the bed with me with a flashlight. I could look down and see the head coming through. It was coming so quickly and all on the force of my push! I bore down one last time and the baby practically came shooting out. Someone told me to reach down and pick up my baby, which I did!
There are no words that can describe this moment to anyone. If you have experienced it, you know what I mean. If you haven't, all I can say is that there are emotions and feelings out there that we humans are only able to tap in to at very specific times. I didn't even know a place like that existed until this moment! It was incredible!
So here I had this baby, lying skin-to-skin on my chest, but nobody had looked to see if it was a boy or a girl. The baby did not cry much, but just lied there looking up at me. The breathing and heart rate were both fine and the baby was very pink, born with an APGAR score of 9. After a few minutes, I checked and discovered, much to my tremendous surprise, that we had had a little girl! We spent the next several minutes lying there as the placenta was delivered. I remember looking up at my husband and into his eyes. I have never felt more love for him than at that moment.
I actually feel bad that I am nearly done with this story with very little mention of him. I could not have done any of this without my husband! He was with me through every contraction, holding me, giving me a hand to squeeze, reminding me to breathe, assisting me in squatting. He never complained or expressed any worry or concern to me. He was truly my partner through our home birth adventure giving me nothing but support and love. What more do you need???
December 9, 2010
At this point, I asked what time she was born: 12:16 AM on December 9th, as I predicted to the accupuncturist! We named our daughter Sophie Noelle (French-inspired since she was conceived in France). She was 8 lb, 0 oz at birth and 19.5 inches long. I was feeling great, but had a fair bit of tearing (grade 2), which Erin meticulously stitched up.
The midwives left around 4:30 AM after cleaning up and getting us all settled in bed. In total, they considered active labor for me to have been 9 hours with 2 hours spent pushing. When I look back on my time in labor, I am filled with warmth and respect for my midwives who taught me how to do this amazing thing without fear and from a place of safety and comfort. I learned that the body is capable of amazing things when you let it do what it was designed to do without intervention, if possible. I learned that the body knows what its limits are far better than we know them intellectually. And I am amazed with the new knowledge of what that limit is. I feel overwhelmingly empowered with that knowledge -- an empowerment that would not have been possible in a setting which promotes medicating away the one tool (i.e. the pain) that transfers this universal understanding and where everything is done to fight this universal wisdom.
I gave birth naturally at home under the care of my wonderful husband and brilliant midwives and am now a changed person because of it!
